In writing my next (longer) musing – “finding home” – I came upon a problem when trying to define to myself a truly ‘fulfilling’ or ‘happy’ existence. It seems like there should be a simple answer, but it is easy to feel unfulfilled even when achieving what may be branded as traditional success.
This isn’t an altogether unusual problem, philosophers for years have been trying to unravel the confusion of happiness and fulifllment. It is inevitable in our existence that there will be ups and downs. What could cause short term intense joy may not be maintainable long term and what causes long term happiness may not make you feel good in the moment.
In some ways maybe it is issue of trying to cram too much meaning into one word. It could be easier to break it down into more categories for example ‘physiological ’, psychological’, and maybe ‘personal’ fulfillment, but even then there are bound to be parallels and correlations between categories.
Working within this basic framework, physiological happiness would be defined as our body working efficiently without feelings of pain. Psychological happiness would be found through tendency for self-control, a lack of anxiety or other mental health issues. Finally, but what seems most important to me, ‘personal’ happiness would be defined as finding meaning(s) in life.
I have believed for a long time, that fulfilment will come to me through finding this ‘personal’ meaning, but so far I have had no luck. I feel as if I move along in my life purely on a ‘downhill’ trajectory with an eventual ending at the inevitable. One stage after the next, entirely without personal meaning or feelings of true success.
Throughout this time I have attempted to gain control of my psychological happiness through practices such as meditation and many failed attempts at abstention from self-destructive tendencies. I have also been working on my physiological wellbeing by training for triathlon which in some ways also ties into my ‘personal’ and ‘psychological’ happiness. I have eventual aims of pushing myself to my limits and completing an Ironman. I find this beneficial to my physiological wellbeing (full body muscular conditioning), to my mental strength (pushing through adversity), but also some ‘personal’ fulfillment through wanting to be good at the sport (every time I hit a personal best I am progressing towards this).
Although this contributes some ‘personal’ meaning, I don’t feel like it is something that defines my existence as worth it, or complete, and in the end it feels inconsequential compared to the feats of others.
I do sometimes wonder whether I will ever find this long-term meaning through reflection, or if maybe I should stop worrying and try living in the moment. I want a target that I can truly fixate myself on achieving, but whenever I have had targets for myself before, like University exams, or projects at work, I can’t seem to care enough.
The one things that I truly fear is to die without experiencing what seems a ‘good’ life, but maybe my expectations are unachievable and I am setting myself up for failure. Worse, maybe I just didn’t put enough effort in.